Friday, 6 November 2009
up and down
I composed an epic post just the other evening as I soaked in the heat of the sauna for an hour whilst reviewing a memorable year. This stream of consciousness would have been yards long and full of hope and joy.
So why is there nothing here? It all got lost in a downpour of tears to compete with the torrential rain which we have endured this past week. It is not that I have not made great changes in my life this last year, that would be an enormous understatement. This has been the most dramatic in my lifetime and the first I can recall where I have had a positive attitude towards life and whilst I have always lived in an open limbo I have moved to a more positively femme appearance from what was fairly femme / androgynous not that anyone has stopped me and said anything yet! Well except my sister and brother in law who said my new photos were very “glam”.
What hit me sideways, from out of nowhere was the realisation that many in the circle I follow have not long had , are just having, or soon will have an invisible but life changing surgery. Nobody can see it and from reports 60% plus will never use the new facility but it will bring a metaphorical smile to their faces and spring in their step and many will fade from this turbulent waiting room we inhabit. Many of the rest of us are condemned for one reason or another to remain trapped in this groundhog day world as another intake of hopefuls brave the tests and in their turn be swept away.
No matter how grounded you feel in your self these facts can still leap out and knock you flat in an instant shaking every cell in your body leaving you feeling like you have had the surgery but with no change!
Always the bridesmaid never the bride is the feeling right now, we need a bridesmaid society for self protection!
On the bright side, thank goodness there was one, there was the rare joy of over a weeks worth of knickers fresh out of the packet, joy, joy, joy.