Friday, 6 November 2009

up and down

I composed an epic post just the other evening as I soaked in the heat of the sauna for an hour whilst reviewing a memorable year. This stream of consciousness would have been yards long and full of hope and joy.

So why is there nothing here? It all got lost in a downpour of tears to compete with the torrential rain which we have endured this past week. It is not that I have not made great changes in my life this last year, that would be an enormous understatement. This has been the most dramatic in my lifetime and the first I can recall where I have had a positive attitude towards life and whilst I have always lived in an open limbo I have moved to a more positively femme appearance from what was fairly femme / androgynous not that anyone has stopped me and said anything yet! Well except my sister and brother in law who said my new photos were very “glam”.

What hit me sideways, from out of nowhere was the realisation that many in the circle I follow have not long had , are just having, or soon will have an invisible but life changing surgery. Nobody can see it and from reports 60% plus will never use the new facility but it will bring a metaphorical smile to their faces and spring in their step and many will fade from this turbulent waiting room we inhabit. Many of the rest of us are condemned for one reason or another to remain trapped in this groundhog day world as another intake of hopefuls brave the tests and in their turn be swept away.

No matter how grounded you feel in your self these facts can still leap out and knock you flat in an instant shaking every cell in your body leaving you feeling like you have had the surgery but with no change!

Always the bridesmaid never the bride is the feeling right now, we need a bridesmaid society for self protection!

On the bright side, thank goodness there was one, there was the rare joy of over a weeks worth of knickers fresh out of the packet, joy, joy, joy.


  1. I'm pleased your new knickers cheered you up.

    I can understand why some people who have had surgery need to move on and disappear. it's sad when they go, even from this side of the computer screen.

    You sound a bit like me on one of those days when I realise I'm not a spring chicken anymore. It's often when I see families out with their children - where did mine go? Oh well, no doubt there will be Grandchildren....

    Can you imagine all of the poetry, novels and blogposts which never got written? - just floating around somewhere.

  2. Did you see Keri Renault's blog,Word that Tras-cend today? Sort of on topic.

    Melissa XX

  3. Melissa, read a post much like this recently, may have even been Keri leading this way.

    Our blog space is shared buy a population with two different destinies. As much as we can be happy, delighted even with the prize some receive which allows some to pass on to new worlds their is a sense of grieving in their passing and inevitable review of our own situations as a consequence.

    For all the time that I am happy and content with my lot and feel sure that regret is filed in box marked past, do not open, the lid pops open by it's self when I least expect it. This happens less and less, but it still happens!

    Still there is more to be gained from staying and waving them good bye and wishing them well than burring head in sand somewhere feeling miserable.

    C'est la vie! as they say somewhere.


  4. I had composed an epic comment in my head during the 24 hours since I first read this. It's gone now.

    I get the same feelings as I watch these Tour de France riders zipping past my stationary bike. I think, "How cool!", but also "Coulda been me."

    Terrific post!

  5. I can relate to this as well.
    I have felt exactly the same.
    Big hug my friend.

  6. Blimey, you've put your finger right on it with this post! I'm not alone!


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.