Friday, 16 July 2010

The future...


I have been blogging for a while now, even have a group of followers though not all of them like my old fashioned template or this typeface…
During this time and the short while before when I was just searching and reading other blogs I have seen many come and go. It is quite understandable that someone should come here like me to feel less alone and gain support while learning from other’s experiences. It is also understandable that there are many reasons why someone should suddenly just stop posting and vanish from our lives leaving a deep sadness as they do.
For many this is a transient place, a haven for body and soul while making that arduous transition from one world to another. Few will ever understand just what we have to go through in terms of mental, physical and financial turmoil to make our transition. Who would not just want to move on.
There is no fixed point on the journey where people jump off, everyone has a different point at which they feel it is time to move on once they feel comfortable with where they have reached or wish to become one with the real world and do not wish to be found in this twilight zone.
Recently I have been through some changes which left me wondering where my future lay. A lifetime thinking I would never get any chance to make even a partial transition has changed drastically in the last few months. It is over three months now since I started with my HRT patches, a relatively low dose due to my lack of testosterone in the system and the results are really starting to show. With nipples showing through two layers of clothing they are really starting to show. The time came where I had to tell my closest circle of friends and family just what was happening, not something we look forward to doing but it has to be done and to hell with the consequences. I had reached a state of calmness and well being and was finally as happy as I thought I would get. I thought I had reached that point others had reached and would have little or nothing left to blog about. My search through lost time, stirring up the dusty old memories long ago buried had been an interesting project and I did not have to pay for therapy to do it! You all read patiently for free. At no point was I considering deleting the blog, I hate it when all the first hand information so carefully gathered vanishes overnight leaving others to have to reinvent the wheel. We all bring something different to the story, I thought my contribution had more or less come to an end.
My coming out tour should have been better reported but connection to the net was sporadic and the posts rambling or out of date and never got posted. The tour was a great success with hardly a murmur of decent. I had been accepted for what I was for decades though few really had a true inkling of what I really felt though many sensed it. My niece summed it up well when she said that she had never seen me as an uncle. The young are so much more aware than adults.
So I am home again but life does not go on as usual. The calmness which I had felt before the trip started was nothing compared to the calmness I feel now. To have made that final declaration of independence from the tyranny of gender dysphoria, to have said to the world that old life was a sham and you have to accept me for who I have always felt I should be.
The number of metaphorical descriptions for this moment I have lost count of but they are all true. How I lived for all those decades with the torment constantly swirling through my head I do not know. What I do know is that it is gone and I stand on the edge of the unknown. I feel really stupid to have failed to reach this point before now, how things could have been different but I am not going to dwell on that.
Suddenly I can see that I can have a future and have to plan for way off into this future, not something I have ever done before! It is not the best time to have done this with personal and world finances in a mess but that is the world and I am stuck with it.
Will I continue to blog? More to the point will you all want to read it? My transition is still only partial but phase one is definitely over. I may have a life and I may have to post about repairing the house or gardening whilst still transitioning! The T stuff is part of my life not my life. I have broken through some sort of barrier to real life, hope you can bear it. Time for a change of title and staying with my Proustian theme I am calling it  “Time Regained”.
Guess you are stuck with me for a while yet.

11 comments:

  1. Congratulations on moving into a new phase! Glad you are not going silent.

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  2. Look forward to reading your interpretations of this life that you choose. Normal is just as good as where you have been.

    Sarah

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  3. Very well said. Especially the descriptions of bloggers that come and go. How we use them for guidance and entertainment. You have a very good style in the way you are living your life along with continuing your blog.
    Hey, I just want to say thank you for being you!

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  4. You know you just made me weep, don't you?

    Carloline, I'm so glad that I discovered your blog, and gained your friendship! I'm looking forward to full accounts of your journey, all the way through to its logical conclusion, and beyond if you still choose to do so.

    A big affirming hug from your High Priestess!

    Melissa XOXO

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  5. Like the tide comes in and goes out, so things come in and go out of our preoccupations and concious - what was important yesterday is still important today, but it occupies our minds less.

    Our personal blogs, diaries, journals serve to reflect those shifting sands of priorities. Manys the time I thought my little space had no future - but it always seems to bounce back, to serve a need.

    I hope yours does the same for you, and your throughts and musings are there for us to reach into.

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  6. Please don't go silent, we need to hear your voice from the new world that is the next phase in your journey. Few write so well (but I do struggle with the italics for my poor old eyes). Claire

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  7. You know well I love your blogs and style both in writing and in the real world!
    Dont stop you would be sorely missed and your experiances are valuable to many.
    x

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  8. You had me worried there until the last paragraph. But it is a great relief to know you will continue to write. What ever subjects you choose I know I will enjoy it.

    Rachel XXX

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  9. has you said to me Caroline when I thought of stopping! dont!

    I like to read your blogs and your insight into the world.

    As for me Im looking for a lost friend on msn lol (no I dont mean you)

    Your going some bigger changes now and this is a important place for you to share.

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  10. I really should read these posts myself before I press send. I did not realise that I had written a cliff-hanger to get you worried, I was writing about carrying on.

    With evidence that there are readers out there I have no option now.

    Thanks for the encouragement.

    Caroline XXX

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  11. And there are even readers ten days later, confirming the continuing importance of the words posted into the future, ad infinitum! It would be a great loss not having your stories to enjoy. Thanks for sticking with us; we'll try to make you proud.

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Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.