Monday, 30 August 2010
Out and about.
The last week or so has been a social whirlwind holding up work plans which the showery weather would have held up anyway. Usually by the time the garden is dry along comes another downpour. One was torrential with the water pouring over the guttering directly into the garden leaving the new pathway site like a reconstruction of the boggy first world war battle fields of Ypres for several days.
Friends is an interesting term which I once thought of writing a long blog about. What an interesting range of relationships that one word covers. My inner circle of friends and family are well acquainted with what is going on by now but There seem to be an infinite number of less close circles of friendships and in those not everyone needs to be told unless circumstances demand. As the hormones do their work and my appearance evolves it will speak for it’s self but at the moment if someone invites us for a meal for example they had better be updated to save any embarrassment for them and their guests. Not that there has been any sign of any so far.
I am now out in the world with an honest identity for the first time in my life. Until now I have felt like an illegal immigrant or deep stealth spy conscious of not fully understanding the world I lived in and being liable to being uncovered as a fraud at any moment. Even this past year when I thought I had become confident in myself feels a bit furtive and anxious compared to now where my focus is on me and what I want to do with no worrying about what anyone else thinks of me.
This confidence must be showing since it now takes much longer to go shopping since nearly everywhere there is a chance I have been finding myself in long conversations with those in the shops! I used to try to be chatty with serving staff, it makes their life better as I know from my student jobs, but now it is as if I have joined a new club!
As I start to push out to my new boundaries of presentation my happiness increases and we have tested it in various situations from small dinner party with some guests unknown to us, they requested contact details for further meetings, to a garden party where most knew me to some degree and all knew the new me by the end with several women nearly adopting me as their sister. Yesterday was an exhibition opening with about a hundred and thirty people at the gallery where I have had a couple of selling exhibitions and figured they should know, no point surprising them or hoping for another show only to find that they are spooked at the idea. They were fully supportive and have no problems for the future. Largest gathering since we have been back but never missed a heartbeat, chatted to numerous people not all people I knew, the new me is much more approachable it seems!
My official name change is now in progress and I have a letter from the gender clinic ready to apply for a new passport with appropriate gender marker. Must try to get a decent photograph this time, not that anything could be worse than the picture of a bearded terrorist which was on the old one!
Today I slipped on an old tee shirt for working in the garden, it was a lot closer fitting than most and if I had any doubt about the hormones working they are gone now as the concave patches which I had before are now firm nipples atop small pert mounds, just have to remember not to bump into anything or gather up an armful of anything unless I want to squeal out loud!