Saturday, 18 September 2010
I certainly tripped myself up emotionally somehow today. The past couple of days I have been fairly miserable with a pain in my neck which stops me turning to the right without a severe stab of pain. Driving was a real challenge until I started to plan my routes to avoid looking right! Friday is hrt patch change day so I decided to try some heat treatment in the sauna. Just before going in the denouement of something on tv had someone’s old and new partners in a state of mutual jealousy, interesting but not personally relevant so I did not imagine I would think about it during my contemplation time in the heat.
Tears are something I have come to enjoy after decades of emotional lock down, what I had never encountered before was tears coming from so deep that it was like the worst gastric regurgitation you have ever experienced!
My life is usually a very calm affair and I thought I had come to terms with my circumstances long ago and my extremely low expectation of experiencing any event of mutual passion in this lifetime. I always felt fortunate not to be driven by lust like so much of humanity is and which would have been very inconvenient since I have been generally unattractive to all but a couple of people. Once in a passionate relationship I have always enjoyed the sensuality and have been unstinting in giving as much pleasure as was required. Little chance of doing that now! Then again it was that freedom given when I was no longer required to perform which finally left me free to transition.
It could not be imagined how suddenly and intensely I was overwhelmed by that fleeting thought that I could never experience a feeling of an irresistibly strong mutual desire ever again.
So not the calming meditation event it usually is though the pain seems to have subsided.