Saturday, 18 September 2010

Tripped up

I certainly tripped myself up emotionally somehow today. The past couple of days I have been fairly miserable with a pain in my neck which stops me turning to the right without a severe stab of pain. Driving was a real challenge until I started to plan my routes to avoid looking right! Friday is hrt patch change day so I decided to try some heat treatment in the sauna. Just before going in the denouement of something on tv had someone’s old and new partners in a state of mutual jealousy, interesting but not personally relevant so I did not imagine I would think about it during my contemplation time in the heat.
Tears are something I have come to enjoy after decades of emotional lock down, what I had never encountered before was tears coming from so deep that it was like the worst gastric regurgitation you have ever experienced! 
My life is usually a very calm affair and I thought I had come to terms with my circumstances long ago and my extremely low expectation of experiencing any event of mutual passion in this lifetime. I always felt fortunate not to be driven by lust like so much of humanity is and which would have been very inconvenient since I have been generally unattractive to all but a couple of people. Once in a passionate relationship I have always enjoyed the sensuality and have been unstinting in giving as much pleasure as was required. Little chance of doing that now! Then again it was that freedom given when I was no longer required to perform which finally left me free to transition.
It could not be imagined how suddenly and intensely I was overwhelmed by that fleeting thought that I could never experience a feeling of an irresistibly strong mutual desire ever again.
So not the calming meditation event it usually is though the pain seems to have subsided.

10 comments:

  1. I do hope that your neck is better soon and you don't have to keep driving around in circles bawling your eyes out.

    Rachel XXX

    ReplyDelete
  2. I gave up on any hope of enjoying a mutually satisfying passionate relationship decades go, but I can still be overwhelmed by a moving scene between couples in a good movie.

    Stiff necks are aggravating, but heat and anti-inflammatory meds help. Wait til you get a frozen shoulder, and can't raise your arm over your head for a year. What wonderful things we have to look forward to, once we turn 50.
    I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this, both emotionally, and neckwise.

    Melissa XXOO

    ReplyDelete
  3. Even-though I'm just 23 years old, I kinda know what the not being able to turn my neck in one direction. I've sustained a lot of soft tissue damage due to kids not like me cause I was feminine and thought it was their duty to make me less of a wimp. So long story short, My neck will freeze on occasion and it is very painful to do stuff.

    Hope you neck gets better. PS, I still get moved but emotoinal scenes in movies. Just wait till I start taking hormones. I'll be crying like a river.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't think you should give up hope. As the old saying goes, where there's life, there's hope, and you have lots of life!

    I remember that old photo from the 1970s that you used to use. Nice-looking rock star type was how it struck me. I have a hard time believing so few ever found you attractive. Maybe you just didn't notice.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm with Veronica on the photo.

    I think your neck is bringing you down more than you think. I hope that you find something to ease it soon. We have a nice man in our village who is a healer, he'd do the trick (have you got one near you?)

    Never give up hope, you don't have to be young to share mutual desire

    ReplyDelete
  6. How the hell are you going to manage roundabouts with a neck problem like that!!

    Dont be so hard on yourself, you are gorgous!!!
    There will be plenty of good times to come with lots of new experiances.
    Hope to catch up soon.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for trying to cheer me up!

    Normal service has been resumed and the neck is slowly recovering, French roundabouts would be a breeze. T junctions are easy crossroads bit tricky!

    We are sticking together as a couple so there really is no chance of being the subject of adoration and lust, just have to be happy with what I have which is more than I ever imagined I would have anyway.

    Caroline xxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Don't know about the lust but there's plenty of adoration coming from around here :-)

    Rachel X

    ReplyDelete
  9. you'd probably hurt your neck... or back so perhaps lust is best left alone - well that's how I console myself.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anji, you are so right.

    I am so delicate now that I hurt myself laughing at your comment!

    I don't suppose wearing safety equipment would help would it?

    Caroline xxx

    ReplyDelete

Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.