Sunday, 29 May 2011

Darn chilly in the garden so here are some random thoughts.

Photos not long sucked into the mac so you will have to wait a while to see what we have been up to on our trip, have patience...


This is all back to front! We went on an early spring road trip to let Julie enjoy the cooler weather, her range before getting weary is greater in the cooler seasons. We hit an immediate heatwave in the south of England then once near the Mediterranean while it was briefly cooler than expected and while the rest of France dried to a crisp it soon warmed more than she had hoped for. Arriving home we find April and May have reversed this year and storms have ravaged the country, friends who were opening their garden for the “Gardens open” charity events for the last time, since age creeps on, were in the news instead with trees blown down! It looks sunny out there but the winds are blowing a cold chill round the garden, not my idea of fun. 
I have always just worn any old rags discarded by others for garden work, my clothes were too delicate! Now I find myself grumbling that my wife's castoffs are not really feminine enough, no wonder she could not really see me as “not a guy” even wearing her own clothes!
The new life just fits so well I hardly think of it now until something brings me up short like my odd time in France or the occasional person who wants to talk about it, most seem to just accept. My sister had saved up a years worth of questions despite our long phone conversations. It seems I parried questions about my strange lifestyle and presentation, clothes , painted nails, long hair, hair removal and clothes etc with such casual and simple explanations that neither sister really suspected anything about my true nature. Once I finally found someone to live with they stopped questioning all together, probably with a sigh of relief. As we worked through her question you could see her reflecting on these past misinterpretations and the life I went through. Sad that we can miss a whole lifetime of living honestly with those family so close to us .

One of our stopovers was with a couple whose wife is a family doctor in a general practice where she had come across several patients like me but only in fairly recent times and she does not have too many years to retirement. Most had their lives quickly transformed once they asked for help but I was a little taken aback when she said that one patient in the practice had fully transitioned to female but after several years came back for help reversing the process. I have become so accustomed to the stories of lives saved by transition to hear of one who could get it so wrong "and" be somewhere in the health system as a psychiatrist now was disturbing. I know just how fundamental my identity is to my being. This is not like fancying a sports car and regretting the decision because it does not fit your lifestyle!
If I had been able to test drive the life I have now no matter how briefly, all those decades ago when I first discovered that in some places there really was help, I would have done everything possible to gain this life then. 
Wisdom and regret of old age! 


4 comments:

  1. Alas I think the problem is some people put a lot of store on transition as a cure for all lifes ills, and then find, once the change and elation has worn off, that life is still the hum drum mix of confusion it ever was.

    For me moving slowly has suited well, it provides reassurance that my direction is right, and let's me take one step at a time. Dare I say some people rush, and then repent at leisure?

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  2. Alas I think the problem is some people put a lot of store on transition as a cure for all lifes ills, and then find, once the change and elation has worn off, that life is still the hum drum mix of confusion it ever was.

    For me moving slowly has suited well, it provides reassurance that my direction is right, and let's me take one step at a time. Dare I say some people rush, and then repent at leisure?

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  3. Sorry if anyone read the early versions which I should proofread before posting!

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  4. A lifetime of mis-interpretations and a lack of honesty sounds familiar.

    A small chance to see what life could have been would have been helpful but do we really know how bad it will get when we were younger. I know I didn't - or maybe my crutch stopped me thinking.

    Good to hear you are back safe and sound from your long holiday

    Becca

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Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.