Sunday, 29 May 2011
Darn chilly in the garden so here are some random thoughts.
Photos not long sucked into the mac so you will have to wait a while to see what we have been up to on our trip, have patience...
This is all back to front! We went on an early spring road trip to let Julie enjoy the cooler weather, her range before getting weary is greater in the cooler seasons. We hit an immediate heatwave in the south of England then once near the Mediterranean while it was briefly cooler than expected and while the rest of France dried to a crisp it soon warmed more than she had hoped for. Arriving home we find April and May have reversed this year and storms have ravaged the country, friends who were opening their garden for the “Gardens open” charity events for the last time, since age creeps on, were in the news instead with trees blown down! It looks sunny out there but the winds are blowing a cold chill round the garden, not my idea of fun.
I have always just worn any old rags discarded by others for garden work, my clothes were too delicate! Now I find myself grumbling that my wife's castoffs are not really feminine enough, no wonder she could not really see me as “not a guy” even wearing her own clothes!
The new life just fits so well I hardly think of it now until something brings me up short like my odd time in France or the occasional person who wants to talk about it, most seem to just accept. My sister had saved up a years worth of questions despite our long phone conversations. It seems I parried questions about my strange lifestyle and presentation, clothes , painted nails, long hair, hair removal and clothes etc with such casual and simple explanations that neither sister really suspected anything about my true nature. Once I finally found someone to live with they stopped questioning all together, probably with a sigh of relief. As we worked through her question you could see her reflecting on these past misinterpretations and the life I went through. Sad that we can miss a whole lifetime of living honestly with those family so close to us .
One of our stopovers was with a couple whose wife is a family doctor in a general practice where she had come across several patients like me but only in fairly recent times and she does not have too many years to retirement. Most had their lives quickly transformed once they asked for help but I was a little taken aback when she said that one patient in the practice had fully transitioned to female but after several years came back for help reversing the process. I have become so accustomed to the stories of lives saved by transition to hear of one who could get it so wrong "and" be somewhere in the health system as a psychiatrist now was disturbing. I know just how fundamental my identity is to my being. This is not like fancying a sports car and regretting the decision because it does not fit your lifestyle!
If I had been able to test drive the life I have now no matter how briefly, all those decades ago when I first discovered that in some places there really was help, I would have done everything possible to gain this life then.
Wisdom and regret of old age!