Saturday, 17 December 2011

Who is this stranger in the photo?



I guess with fewer posts published on the blogs which I follow there are fewer prompts to inspire a post from me…
I have been looking at some older photo files for another project and occasionally come across pictures of someone who looks vaguely familiar though any feeling that the creature was once me is getting weaker. If I had known just a few years back that I could be at the place I am now and feel so comfortable and what I guess can only be called “normal” with the body I inhabit, I would never have had a moments hesitation to move forward. Starring into the mirror, after decades avoiding them, I remember the fear that that hairy face and clumsy body would never easily exist in a more feminine form and move freely in the wide world. It is now just get up and go without a second thought, how wonderful it feels I lack the skill to adequately describe but it is beyond all my expectations.
The winter is setting in with record wild gales bringing down trees all over the place and snow closing roads even with all the extra resources put on standby after the last two winters. Naturally it is time to venture over the backbone of the country to the GIC in Glasgow. We made it this year, last we were iced in and could not move the car for a month, this year I got to sit in the waiting room and be tortured y some of the worst christmas music I have ever heard. Long way to go to just chat about how great it is all going but seemed pleased with how things had gone for me and letters have been written for the surgeon to eventually get on and do his thing. That is nearly two years since they first saw the long haired me on the feminine side of androgynous, I have moved more feminine than I ever though I would.
Board and lodging for the night was provided by a distant cousins family who provided a fine meal which marked a significant age for this body, not a date which I wished to “celebrate” much to the dismay of those who wished for a party. I must be getting old because I forgot to pack the bottle of Champagne which they gave me as a present, I blame the wine they gave us to drink including a marvelous bottle which I gave them as a present, our last good bottle! A 1928 Maury, pure heaven…
The next day we met up with another GIC visitor and then spent much of the rest of the day visiting a couple of museums and their cafes and restaurants to catch up on Louise’s news. Nobody ever gives us a second glance, just a few girls out for the day, how I wish I had found a way to escape like this earlier…
Back home to the freezing cold, road iced up for days and trying to tidy up for the expected crowd who are coming to eat on christmas day. Ten seems like enough without being hard work. Think it will have to be a rescued fake tree this year since one the height I wanted was £60 / $ 93 and the money is being spent on food. Shame, decorating a tee is really the best thing about this time of year. Presents have been banned this year and with luck for all time. In an ideal world you would love presents but nearly everyone is now agreed that spending money on things you would love to receive to give to others only to receive in return stuff you have no room for no need of or desire to own is just stupid. Reduced income sure focuses the mind.
Cards are all sent. Working through the address book was something of a shock as all the redundant names were scored through, what were once occasional entries every few pages have become large patches in most sections. Think this is telling us to enjoy what time we have and not put anything off for later. We have been getting out visiting friend whenever the weather permitted and in one day when perhaps we should have stayed home as record gales ripped up trees and caused flooding but who can turn down a lunch invite?

This is never my favourite time of year with the low temperatures and low light levels and endless inane christmas music, well they call it music! Roll on new year and lightening lengthening days.
Months ago facebook threatened to put your whole history out as a profile and I set off on holiday worried about what would be up when I returned. Clearly they are not as clever as they thought they were and it has taken until now to start to appear. Only a minority have voiced any disapproval of the new format. I liked being here blogging and took a long time to try that different place. Now the old concerns are flooding back, I saw it as akin to dropping into a cafe and conversing with friends, a few jokes, a few serious conversations. Now it seems all conversations are to be written on the walls for all time and everyone is supposed to be able to open my bag and browse through my diary. Perhaps it is because I am an open but fairly private person, no embarrassing pictures of me at parties to be found, I don’t even post too many things I like or much about my strange past. Does anybody out there have any thoughts on this? Are you going to just accept this new format because you want the world to know about your every move or are you going to quit in disgust or start a new empty profile and reinvite your old friends to see who still wants to know you?

Skeptical old biddy signing off...


4 comments:

  1. I like the pictures! Your hair looks really nice.

    I have never had any regrets getting out of Facebook, and staying out. It's too public by far, and I can't get away from the feeling that everyone is being groomed for some kind of commercial exploitation. Apart from that, I like to write little essays and that's not the right style for Facebook, which is much more 'conversational' in its approach.

    Lucy

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  2. Although I have only visited to an area which is near to you twice in my life, the horror stories we get from relatives whom still live there give me shudders just to think about it. However, where we live it is cold. Just not to the extreme patterns that you have to endure.

    Your picture is lovely! Of course you can go anywhere without some one giving you a second glance! Even though the time for it is long over due, the good part is. You are able to relax and enjoy the little treasures that life has to offer that does not require a pocket full of wealth. Spending money on Christmas for materialistic things can be joyful because you have a giving heart however, with all the people that are in your life whom love you, respect you and only see you for the woman you are. You are the wealthiest person I know.

    Well done Caroline!

    Merry Christmas to you and your honey!

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  3. I love that photo of you!

    I've never done Facebook. Friends reunited put me off anything like that for life.

    I hope that you have a snug and warm Christmas

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  4. Thank goodness for our malleable minds that can forget fearful feelings once we have moved past a difficult time in our lives. Looking at your picture; such a confident and lovely lady, it is hard to imagine you ever had those fears I carry around.

    I so understand the issue around lack of sunlight at this time of year. We try to get out for walks as often as possible. Luckily there have been no bad storms in Central Ontario this month.

    Keep warm and safe Caroline and have a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for this post and all of the kind and thoughtful words you have passed along to others this year.

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Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.