Wednesday, 4 July 2012

In my own skin...



My blog started on a beach just three and a half years ago, my place of complete happiness, at one with nature and away from the madness of the grasping human world.

I have always been more comfortable out of clothes than in them, even the scantiest beach costume is laden with messages I had no wish to send especially in the old false life. As for wearing a wet costume after a swim when you could be dry and luxuriating in the caresses of the sun and the breeze…
Even with the body I knew should not be mine I was comfortable wandering my quiet strip of sandy shoreline hypnotized by the ever changing lap of waves. Over the thirty years visiting this part of the Mediterranean my body has changed in so many ways and I thought hat I had found my maximum on the scale of comfort and pleasure. I was so wrong…
I have discovered that there is an 11 setting past my old maximum 10! As a test of the final stage in my transformation this confirmed just how much this was meant to be for me. For a world full of beings who have never had to spend a moment with doubt about who and what they are in the greater scheme of things it is impossible to fully express just what it is like to live with that question buzzing in your head the whole time. You live in fear of expressing how you feel because the fact that what you are suffering though well understood and documented by medical science has been denied and daemoised.
daemon 1 |ˈdēmən|(also daimon )
noun
1 (in ancient Greek belief) a divinity or supernatural being of a nature between gods and humans.
• an inner or attendant spirit or inspiring force.
2 archaic spelling of demon1.
Well, I am a bit archaic but doubt that I can any longer claim to be so much of a supernatural being. 
I feel comfortable in my own skin in ways that I never imagined possible, how I should have felt from day one but for the quality control problem at birth. I have read so many times about the operation to change a part which not many people would ever be able to see had been changed was not urgent or necessary for someone to live a comfortable life in transition. I had live the halfway life and believed that if necessary I could live fairly comfortably like that. I even believed that I would have, given the choice, chosen procedures to enhance my ability to easily appear more feminine but sadly and strangely here in the UK appearance is of extremely low priority in treating this condition!
The storm has passed and the sunlight is finally breaking through the clouds in my life. A bit late in the day but I never thought I would ever get to this point of wholeness, in fact was told in no uncertain terms that I would get no help in my lifetime so go away and just get on with life! That doctor has been proved wrong in the most emphatic way.
Those decades trapped inside my own misshaped body are, like many human painful injuries, fading from memory and taking on something like a memory of a bad dream. I look down and find it hard to visualise the thing which gave me such torment ever having actually been there!
I envy those of you who felt this comfortable in your own skin from birth because it feels so much better than I ever thought it would...


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10 comments:

  1. Good on you Caroline!!

    It must be one of the best feelings of all. Something that I have yet to enjoy the pleasure of.

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  2. Even my just knowing that it is coming feels great so I just can't think how good you must be feeling.

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  3. Still loving your blog - glad you are happy. I found coming out the swimming pool managed to be so different with the new body shape... :-)

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  4. This is a wonderful post Caroline, one I have now re-read multiple times.

    Your joy gives me shivers.

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  5. Indeed. I am happy fo you. I know you understan that I understand the import of your words.

    I wonder how many of your readers really understand the importance of these, your words..."I have read so many times about the operation to change a part which not many people would ever be able to see had been changed was not urgent or necessary for someone to live a comfortable life in transition. I had live the halfway life and believed that if necessary I could live fairly comfortably like that..."

    I remember a comment you made on a long forgotten blog post...

    "... What I do feel is anger.

    Anger towards that group in the health "industry" who took an oath "to do no harm" but have failed us completely over the last six decades, earned a fortune but have ended up leaving legions of us out here to suffer our whole lives decades after answers had been found to alleviate our condition and return us to society to live out our lives in peace and happiness."

    I am so glad to have finally found your way through the maze.

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  6. I wish I could say that I am happy in my skin more than I have ever been but although I am happy now I cannot any longer compare it to what it used to be. That is because I have forgotten what it was like! Now it feels like I was always this way.

    Shirley Anne x

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  7. I can see and feel the happiness every time we talk.
    You go girl!! (My daughter says this so it must be a trendy thing to say ;-) ) xx

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  8. I try to imagine but not sure I can ~ at times it's seems such a distant dream ! Pleased for you.

    Becca

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  9. Wow, a flush of excellent comments, I do have readers... I also have readers with good memories who can remind me of just how angry and frustrated I have been for much of my life.

    Even a short while ago I never imagined that life would turn out like this, I was just making small changes in an effort to make myself less uncomfortable with the body I was born with while the reflection in the mirror told me that I was mad to think that I could ever look and feel anything like my brain told me I should.

    If my blog helps anyone on their own search for the life they know they should have my joy will increase several fold...

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  10. Hi Caroline! What a beautiful post! I'm sorry I've read it so late, but with GD at an all time high, I have just been keeping myself away from the blogs.

    I hope that someday I can write a similar post.

    Calie xoxo

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Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.