Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Autumn gloom.

The autumn gloom has set in! Making the evenings longer is a stupid idea but only politicians can change this and we all know how dumb they are… 

The low energy bulbs which have been foisted on us are dreary, if the clock changed the other way the ghastly long evenings could be shorter.

As you may have gathered this is not my favourite time of year, the autumn colours have been better than I had expected after all the strong winds and rain and we have even taken advantage of a couple of bright days to drive into the hills to enjoy them. 

A while ago I think that I had been thinking about sex, you must have just thought how ordinary and that you do that many times each day. This may well be my worst and dullest post ever but once done I never have to think about sex ever again. Sorry but nobody shall be corrupted by this post...

The whole world is driven by the suffix exual. No matter where you place is in society from unemployed to president of some accumulation of disunited states you daily routine will be disrupted at a moments notice when lust grabs you by the genitals. It matters not which flavour of exual you have been dealt out, differentexual, sameexual or eveneitheridon’tcareexual, lust is ticking away in the background assessing those you meet for desirability, availability and compatibility, maybe other ibilities which have not yet occurred to me.

I have restarted reading a lot more recently and books are full of it, same with my cinema visits. Are there no other concerns for the human race? I don’t really get it, never have done. How do you explain a sunset to a blind person? The joyous scent of your flower filled garden,a freshly sharpened pencil or the first summer strawberries to someone without any sense of smell? The interplay of seafood with Muscadet to someone with no sense of taste?

Growing up I was stamped with two labels, both exuals which in the circumstances you have to see as ironic. Tsexual I worked out first, that was plainly my not understanding the process of turning a child into an adult I thought at first and determined to wait and see what happened, adults continuing to think of me as the wrong gender did have me worried though. I had seen butterflies appear from caterpillars almost from birth so dramatic changes did take place after birth, right? 

As I grew older and more children appeared adults would start their controlling of our interactions, what we should and should not play with, who with and how we could not play! Later on came the chiding about who we should now be wanting to play with nudge nudge wink wink… Must be a puberty thing I thought and thankfully that horror was in many ways slow to appear, nature had made a big mistake and really had trapped me in a male body I did not want. At first I thought my very early decision, aged eleven, that I had no place in replication of children department was the reason that I felt no uncontrollable urge to lust after girls. I knew my orientation by the age of three, my “T” problem had nothing to do with that, I really was attracted to girls in a special way but it was nothing like the lust, the almost animalistic slavering lust I saw in the world around me.

I have long wondered if lack of lust is something that can be sensed by others, a negative pheromone warding them away. Long ago I had determined that my life was likely to be a solitary one. The situation was hopeless and absurd, I was a lesbian trapped in a male body, where in a line of desirability would I come? Long after all others had mated up, though how they would ever find each other in such barbaric times I did not know… Perhaps my complete lack of attractiveness to the female of the species was because I did not drool, my eyes did not follow them around like an abandoned puppy. My magnetic attraction mechanism had clearly also failed to be installed before I was commissioned. I was starting to feel like a piece of jigsaw which had been put into the wrong box, there was never going to be a place for me to rest. Darn, I had another of those exuals, I was probably one of the least exual people you will ever meet. I have been defined by two exuals, here I was in a highly sexualised world at a point of apparent sexual freedom and I had non to set free, I had been born Asexual!

Asexuality is not as straight forward as you might think, what in this world is? Naturally there is a spectrum… just because you are not driven does not mean that you would not give someone satisfaction by joining in if the chance came though I can tell you that having an absolute desire to please someone does not always give them absolute satisfaction, we spiral back to the need to be lusted after which must add a little something fiery like adding pepper or to food. Some of us just long for the intimacy of closeness…

When I was repaired just over nine months ago and the sticking out bit was removed, part of it gets repositioned and tucked away to be tickled at your convenience at sometime in the future. At my post-op checkup I was asked if I had found any sensitivity, there followed a moment of confusion before I realised what they meant. See what I mean about asexual!? I had noticed that there was some sensation when washing but had not bothered to go and play with the new bits... I was never a fan of self actuated stimulation, sometimes the damn thing, TDT, would swell up for no reason, waking for example! It could be deflated with little effort but as you know the results are just sticky and smelly and a real mess, there was no pleasure from TDT, quite the opposite since it emphasised the lack of another to engage in what seemed to give the rest of the world so much pleasure and would emphasise the hopelessness of my situation. There is an expression used to describe self actuation as doing it with someone you love the most, well that clearly did not work for me.I do not miss TDT at all, now it is almost impossible to imagine that the growth had been there. 

A friend gave me some cash towards petrol when I helped her move into her new home, quite unnecessary and she knew that the van would breakdown if I put petrol in the tank! I spent the money on a vibrating toy. I do love the person I am now so I thought it was time to try thr new sensations. Clearly a lot of nerve endings are working and there is some pleasure to be had down there though anything spelt with a capital “O” is a long way off. I have even taken to having an occasional bath since the toy is waterproof. Don’t hold your breath for an update, I really need to feel desired to set off my triggers and my mind does not do fantasy, a lifetime of too much reality has seen to that...


  1. When I started reading this it was like reading my about my own life, almost to the letter it was the same. By the time I got to the end I knew it was the same! Don't worry Caroline, you'll get over it! LOL. I was asked the same question regarding the sensitivity and I could say with confidence that by comparison to the old self it would rate 150%. However, I was never one to play about with things, always preferring someone else do it! Since I have turned over a new leaf in many ways those days are long gone so it is all down to me now. Needless to say my sex life is nill. I only know what it feels like to wipe away the excess after the waterworks are done with. I am thinking I would rather have a pan of Scouse as we say hereabouts. I told a guy who was coming on to me in the pub a few weeks ago exactly the same thing which dampened his ardour somewhat.

    Shirley Anne x

  2. It's all very confusing, made even more difficult when others and their normal (it's that n word again) expectations are involved. Painful for all involved.

    On a brighter not it's good that you have helped reduce green house gases in a very inventive way. I wonder if you will get more mileage out of your purchase than your van would, updates are not required !

  3. I would not have given you the money if I had known what you were going to spend it on LOL. However, better that than putting petrol in your diesel vehicle as I kept proposing.

  4. Even though I'm on the "pre" side of things, everything else about this "exual" story rings true to me. I never did "get it." I wonder if I ever will :) ?

    All best,

  5. Louise, I was sure that this was what you wanted me to spend the money on.

    At my present rate of usage the batteries will last for ever...

  6. Shirley Anne, Finally got round to googling pan of scouse, sounds far more enticing than getting jiggly....


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.