Thursday, 25 April 2013

Do I finally buy a step ladder? & Life the universe and everything...

So, did I go and buy a new step ladder? No, I got fed up waiting for my usual chain saw lender to get organised so in memory of a dear friend Melissa, a great wielder of the instrument,  went out and purchased an electric saw. It works a treat and has zipped through all the remaining trunks and reduced them to handy sized lumps. Perhaps this year I should seek out a wood burner since the government does not seem to have got organised on a safe and steady power supply to guarantee that our old bones stay warm through the winters…

I have been working in the garden, a black hole which absorbs infinite quantities of energy without ever showing a great deal of change! Spring has finally started to show when about five days ago a sudden flush of green appeared everywhere, some weeds sprang from nowhere, flowered and started to go to seed in days! The seasons battle has commenced…

With the spring our social life has also come alive again, suddenly there are hardly enough hours in the day.

The house rules here are that if one of us gets ill we sleep in separate rooms so that we can suffer in peace. First Julie went down with what she said was the worst cold ever then just as she was recovered I seemed to get the same thing which left me coughing as though I was going to burst especially when trying to lie down to sleep, my record was an hour non stop. At least the weather turned cold a few days after I got it and held the spring back for three weeks…

I perhaps spent more time than usual online in the sleepless early hours. The nature of the net could almost be said to have seasons, taking on a certain character at different times. There have been times of great excitement, times of great joy and though several have just gone through the happy phase of GRS many seem to be going through a cold winter of discontent and it is hard not to share their discomfort at a time when my own transition has left me more content than I could ever have hoped for. I am perhaps very lucky in that I am still with my partner, this was highlighted when after finally getting back into the same room a warm hand came over to gently caress my back whilst I was waking. There is no price to be put on such an unasked for caress which put me into a state of such relaxation that I fell back into the deepest most satisfying sleep I have had for weeks!

No doubt that has put you all to sleep! Is that as exciting as it gets? Afraid so… Sometimes I wonder just what it feels like to be overwhelmed by lust and desires beyond control. Such feelings seem to be common place and clearly a human obsession judging from the near impossibility of avoiding the subject in the media and culture… This is my time of year for reading travel writings to get me in the mood for a holiday trip, our annual tour of sisters. Changes at our tiny public library mean that the librarian is no longer allowed to go to the main store and choose books for her clients when the exchange of stock comes round, she just has to put up with a lucky dip and so do we! It would seem that no new travel writing has arrived for nearly a year, in fact most of it has been taken away! I decided to try cookery writing instead since that often incorporates a degree of travel and the passions are concentrated on the food…

We had just watched A film “Julie & Julie” where the author tries to cook every dish in a book about French cooking, I love French cooking. The library for all it’s diminutive size had been given two copies of the book it was based on! When I pointed this madness out to Suzie, the librarian she said she had heard that she had written a second book about meat and she ordered it in for me. Julie the writer decides that she wants to learn how to do butchery and seeks out a traditional butcher willing to take her on as an apprentice and teach her the mysteries of meat. We have just eaten a slow casseroled oxtail dish tonight, just the other day a dish of lamb’s kidneys and before that one of lamb’s sweetbreads so as much as we adore our vegetables we clearly enjoy a little meat in our diet. Everything went well with the book until the meat described was the writer herself who even though she was in a long term happy marriage with someone she adored decided to embark on an obsessive and torrid affair with an altogether more brutish man than her husband, her phone was running hot with the constant messages back and forth day and night even as she was spending time with her faithful doting husband…

All marriages are different and now that life expectancy has generally increased being with one person for a lifetime of devotion seems to be going out of fashion. I guess I am an old fashioned romantic and put too much emphasis on being faithful. Perhaps others are not as disappointed by such blatant unfaithfulness, there seems less social stigma associated with such behaviour these days though the injured partner usually seems to be forgotten in the rush to read up the juicy details of the errant partner. Those who are single in this age do seem to treat sex as a casual game of little real importance or value, just another quick treat like buying an ice cream on a hot summer day. For some of us it carries an infinite emotional weight to be that intimate with another and to be cuckolded is akin to the rape of the soul. There are times when I am glad that I no longer expect to ever be involved in that degree of intimacy and even more glad that I have never been driven by such forces which others allow to overwhelm them.

Perhaps other transsexuals found themselves trapped in a world which rejects who they know they are and thus unable to express themselves fully even with someone they become close to or marry. It is bad enough having to accept that out on the street you are seen as a guy and treated as such but even at home you partner can become disappointed that you show empathy and sweetness instead of a strong manful sweep you off your feet lust… I sometimes wonder, though I shall never know wether my asexuallity is just innate or born of that four year olds clamping up of emotions to hide that inner self and an early awareness that there seemed to be no place in the sexual world for the likes of us way back in those prehistoric fifties…

I grew up expecting to live my life alone like a hermit amongst the bustle of the world of coupledom, alone in a crowd. I lived that way until a chance encounter with a girl with short bitten nails who became entranced with my incredibly long nails. Together we experienced a taste of a life I never thought I would. When she suddenly left  one day without a word and taking critical components of my heart I suspect that she did not see her future life along with her newly offered job,  a pale imitation of a guy. Those who knew me were a little surprised that I made no attempt to find a replacement and my new wish to find girls who would be friends rather than girlfriends was met with blank incomprehension.

A second time around, some years later I was somehow found and desired again and asked to move in with another.That was half a lifetime ago and though I had sworn to myself that I would never marry I was persuaded that the tax advantages were so great we would be foolish not to. The tax advantages vanished in a few short years… As I predicted her desire for me waned but our closeness grew. This did not stop me being fairly anxious that this well educated creature with a great job which allowed her to meet a vast range of interesting people and regularly travel to conferences and courses would not eventually be tempted to trade me in for a better prospect. A relief for me was that she never did and we settled into our long relationship with me still believing what I had been told that "I would never get the help which I needed in this lifetime". As it turned out doctors do lie to you and help did eventually come and within the countless stories I have read I have been lucky enough for my long partnership to wether the storm and sail on redefined and renewed. What would have happened to me if it had not worked out this way I dare not speculate... Many who had feared the breakups now look back with relief that it was that release which finally allowed them to become their real selves though they fought hard to retain the bonds which held them back.

It is a tricky path we lead through life like deep cover spies trying to seamlessly blend into an alien culture, a task which is near impossible and certainly almost doomed to failure. My heart aches for those I know who have found themselves ensconced in their deep cover and settled into a comfortable life only to find cracks start to appear. Bad enough when they are just one of the uncountable couples headed towards divorce and reshuffles within the company of newly available divorced singles. As a group my observations are that we are more likely to be the ones who do not wish to wreck a marriage by straying and are feeling most vulnerable to a hostile life outside a broken relationship. Perhaps we are the instinctive home makers within the couple. Perhaps many of us are too delicate for our own good...



  1. It's lovely to hear of the continuing love and companionship you have. As many of us contemplate taking a step that we fought for so long not to take, there is comfort that some partnerships do survive and thrive.

    It's true though that moving on without the loved one can be hard but there does come a time when its better to do that than live with the repression and angst of living a lie. Sometimes decisions are taken for us, the status quo sometimes also becomes untenable.

    Different lives, different stories. Life's rich tapestry.

    Enjoy your holiday.

    ,,,, and thank you

  2. A story that starts off sad but ends up happy does it for me Caroline. I am so happy that you found someone to share your life with. Love is definitely a good thing.

    Shirley Anne x

  3. A lovely post, fleshing out the happiness you know feel with those 'two blue eyes'.

    More though, you have made a wonderful case for the place those with our perspective can and do bring to relationships. Not 'mainstream' perhaps, but in some important ways, much better because of the perspective our lives have given us.

    Thank you for such a beautifully crafted letter.



Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.