Thursday, 4 July 2013

I am seventeen today!

I am seventeen today!

Seventeen months since my awakening in Brighton last year…

On Monday I was not sure that I would last long enough to post this but my doctor assures me that I am suffering from wear and tear and not in imminent danger of a stroke or brain tumour killing me, the symptoms are frighteningly similar… 

The journey of transformation will never really end until that last breath but from here on any changes now should only be small. The result of all this work is for me to be living a quiet ordinary life in a fairly small village on the edge of the known universe. Very little real excitement comes our way, choosing paint colour is about as exciting as it gets! I was wondering if there was a good chance of brain malfunction causing a quick way off the access tower whilst painting, now that might have been considered exciting but only for about one second, hence my visit to the doctor!

For some years now transition was at the forefront of my thoughts and many hours were spent each week online reading information and blog posts and of course tapping out my own. So many set out to write to tell their story and record their paths. We are often told that anything once online is there forever but nearly all those blogs have stopped at some point along the journey and sadly many are just deleted, vanishing like melting snow. Several vanished whilst I was away on my trip, names once regularly on the screen gone , hopefully they are like me now just getting on with an ordinary life, something we long considered to be close to impossible…

I suppose transition, as dull as it is most of the time, full of frustrations and endless waiting to skip through the hoops of whatever system has been set up to regiment your route to happiness, is about as exciting a time as many of us will get. More contact and communication with others and with the net friendships forming across the globe… No doubt some of them will continue and some have spilled out into real life which is marvellous but many of those once regular seen names and faces are drifting into faded memories.

How I wish something like the net had been available in my youth, it is hard to forget the wasted decades of helpless misery trapped in an alien body afraid that my cover would be broken and I would be found out for the hideous freak that the mainstream media are so insistent on portraying us as after all these generations of knowledge about our condition. Which other medical condition gets the sufferer hounded to death on a regular basis?

As it turned out even this tall, once scared and ugly monster has managed to become transformed into a creature quite naturally accepted in regular day to day life without a murmur. I hope that this blog has done it’s work of showing that we all take a different path to similar destinations, it worked for me who left it far too late so it should work for you too if you are in the same situation so don’t waste your lives wondering if or when you should do it, life is so much better living with an authentic identity…

The blog has become such a regular part of my life these past few years that I shall continue to record the everyday thrills of jam making or house painting or pulling weeds from the garden but mention of the “T” words may become a rare thing.

For so long I thought that I would be stopped somewhere before the end of the process, I was told so many decades ago that I would not get help in this lifetime and foolishly believed it and hid away from the world. I do so hope that those few bloggers still on my reading list, still looking for a way forward eventually find a way as I finally did. Those who have found the courage to step into the light only to find themselves unable to make headway due to their personal circumstances fill me with sadness. Until our society fully accepts our need for help as a normal thing to let us lead useful and fulfilling lives, people will be led to believe that they have to make the best of their lives and find themselves trapped by the very relationships they thought would save them. I know that I was unable to give as much to my relationship as I wish I had because I lived a well hidden life of deep misery and depression, a half life at best…

If I had not been so miserable back then I would have had more hope for the future and done more work on the house and garden and I would now have been able to put my feet up and read some books and drink a few glasses of wine in the summer sunshine. Instead I am dressed in Julie’s cast off jeans, I never bought anything so tough for myself, and old jumpers for working in. In the past I got some small pleasure being able to wear these clothes of obvious feminine origin so openly, from my new perspective I think they are a bit too butch for my taste…!

Tired after a full day of gardening and painting, the grass was only finally cut at 9pm, after an evening meal i spent a rare couple of hours watching highlights of the Tour de France and a recorded film only to get to post this half an hour after the intended day had ended... Real life really has taken over from net life...



  1. Caroline, you could never be described as ordinary, you are a one-off and all the better for being so.

  2. Nice comment Louise and I agree.
    What a well written post Caroline, indeed your life is filled with the everyday things now, the mundane things that everyone else seems to shy away from reporting but that is what makes it special! This is real life as we know it. Sorry to learn about your accident and hope you are ok. An old pair of jeans and a jumper? Gosh, and here's me thinking you would be wearing spikey heels and a mini-skirt! LOL. 17 eh? That makes me positively pre-history, a dinosaur at 128! I do what the inimitable Patrick Moore always did first thing in the morning...he read the obituary column and if his name wasn't on the list he was happy enough! Life is what we make of it though isn't it and as long as we are happy doing the so-called boring things like watching paint dry we do well. Lots of love and hugs for you, hopefully to brighten your day.

    Shirley Anne x

  3. Shirley Anne, I just feared that I was in danger of a stroke whilst at the top of the tower...

    When you start to go numb down one side you can only fear the worst! Twenty foot fall could be nasty...

    Julie has now decided that the colour she chose is wrong! Going to be climbing that tower all summer with a sore hip!

  4. I don't think you will be ever one to sit back and do nothing. There will always be something you will find that needs doing.

  5. I've discovered your blog and I'm absorved with your words. I realize that you have live a hard experience, but I also think you have learn to watch the really color of life; every little detail, the privilege of being alive, every instant, every smile, every sound of wind... Wise people have discovered the eternity of every instant. I will read you from time to time.


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.