Saturday, 21 December 2013

Five years on...

Five years ago I made my first blog post, quite a scary thing for someone who had spent their life hidden away as much as possible and had to confront a blank screen whilst being dyslexic. But then again that as we know was the least of my worries.

A year of RLE seems like an enormous time for just one of the steps along the way to a real life but passed in a flash and has now sunk deep into the forgotten memories file as has most of the torments of that once hated past life.

A life in transition makes for an interesting story whilst life after transition has little of note to hold the interest of my small band of readers. Over the past five years potential blog posts were constantly forming in my head, obviously by the time I sat at the keyboard the fine turns of phrase had long been lost as had whole ideas most of the time. Quite a few got through, Just over three hundred including this one which must be equivalent to a fairly fat book if printed out. They say everyone has a book in them, perhaps this was mine... I have been utterly honest and hope that it has given support and encouragement to some others seeking a similar path. Does the blog sit gathering virtual dust or does it sometimes find a curious visitor start looking at those early posts as I once did for other’s blogs late into the nights when I desperately needed to know that I was not alone?

I have shown that even though my route deviated far from a more regular path I got through in the end. I see occasional pictures purporting to be of the past me but they are surely of some long lost relation, maybe even a dead twin brother, it does not seem possible that the changes have been able to turn me into an acceptable old lady…

This old lady is quite gregarious given the chance and gets great joy from being so accepted and accepting of generously given hugs from all my women friends who once kept a safe distance… Sadly trans world has been filled with a great multitude of transient friendships online. It is understandable that people will want to leave this world behind and forge their new identities unhampered by past associations, not everyone is happy to have their past interfere with their future, I have to live with not hiding away and feel that since I am not hidden, and perhaps some may well suspect, I can at least put a positive face on transsexualism and show that we are not the monsters portrayed in the gutter press.

I would not have imagined that the net would provide me with such a range of interesting contacts nor how close it is possible to feel towards someone only known through their words where personalities can shine through. That so few have remained real longterm online friends or occasionally stepped out into real life is my greatest regret but that perhaps returns us to the point about wishing to leave us transient friends as far as possible from that hard won freedom and new lives.

How can five years online and almost two years now since my life changing trip to Brighton have passed so quickly...?

I have just realised that I started in the deepest, darkest depths of winter in my search for a life out of the shadows and in the sunshine…  

Not a fan of consumerval myself nor of presents after a childhood without any presents I could actually enjoy… As usual here we shall each receive a present of natural gas to power the heating system to try and survive another long drawn out northern winter. Some of that gas shall warm through those who come to our seasonal gatherings until about a week into the new year when the realisation dawns that lengthening daylight will not mean increasing temperatures for quite some time to come and semi hibernation is a good survival technique...

Yuletide greetings to all my readers.



  1. Merry Christmas from me. If I don't get to see you in 2014, I certainly will in 2015.


  2. Dear Caroline,

    Congratulations on five years of continuous writing as you moved along your life path! I believe it is two years now since I first began reading your posts, and yours is still the only web journal I read regularly. In the press of work and the volunteer work that is more work than work, I find myself wondering every few weeks, "How is Caroline?" Then I come here for some quiet inspiration. Your writing does make a difference.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours, dear Caroline! May that natural gas keep your home snug, welcoming, and full of joy.

    With a holiday hug,

  3. Old lady indeed; you certainly did not look old when I saw you yesterday so have you mysteriously aged less than gracefully overnight?

  4. You were there for me this year, possibly the worst and best year of my life. For that I am very thankful.

    One day I hope to repay that thanks in person but in the meantime I will just say that your blogs and your mails have helped people perhaps more than you will know.

  5. Hi Caroline. Ever since I first started to read and post comments on your blog I have found myself treating you as a close friend as I generally do when communicating with anyone after any length of time. I take an interest in you and what you have to say and hope that is reciprocated when you read my blog. If we lived closer to one another I feel sure we would see much of each other but alas we don't. Perhaps one day we shall meet in person, who knows? I look forward to the possibility. Considering what you say regarding your dyslexia and in the past, trying times, I think you have done remarkably well for yourself. I hope the future holds even better times. Lots of love

    Shirley Anne x

  6. That door to Alaska is open here as well! Tonight we're looking at subzero F. numbers with a wind, though not the wind they're speaking of coming your way. I'll be grateful for my furnace and my electric blanket!

    Years ago someone I thought very cynical told me that at the end of my days if I could count my friends on the fingers of one hand I'd have lived a good life. Now at almost the same age he was then, I find hs was right.

    I've been lucky to count you among them!

    May the Holidays find you warm and comfortable and may the New Year being even more dreams come true for you and yours!


  7. One of the highlights of 2013 has been the joy of getting to know you better. As you say, it is amazing how a personality can shine through in a combination of words and pictures.

    Merry Christmas dear Caroline

  8. I'm a late comer to your blog, but now an avid one too. Yes, it is lovely how blogging forms new friendships with people we may never meet.

    I'm tempted to claim you as a close friend, once removed, as I often meet one of your friends and I'm set to meet another in a few day's time.

    Angie x

  9. I am touched. Just at the point when I feel that I have less and less to say you bombard me with the best set of comments in all my five years.

    You have all been on my list of best friends here in our blogworld and occasionally spilling over to real world too.

    Some of you know that my recent past has not been without interest and have found it easy to recount in emails but have blanked out when considering a post here. Much of life has settled into a regular cycle such as getting an email to say that Seville oranges are n a favourite shop ready for this year's marmalade, how many posts have I done about making marmalade?

    If you miss me I write blog post emails in return! In fact I have written many times the volume on this blog as commentary on other's posts over the years, it is perhaps dialogue I crave...

    You are all constantly in my thoughts.

    Caroline xxxx


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.