Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Letting go

Out for morning coffee with girl friend which led to lunch and a walk back for four. Day gone again! Was not much of a day so well worth missing for a bit of cheer. Amazing how the smell of smoke gets in your clothes even though nobody has smoked, she is practically the last one we know but still needs an occasional fix. What a change from when I first came to this country and had to go to movies in the middle of the day to be able to breathe. Little wonder I was so bad at socialising, clean air was unheard of.

Good excuse to heat up the sauna and loose myself for an hour. This has been one of the places where project “ In Search of Lost Time” has been undertaken. The other has been lying in the wakeful hours in the middle of the night. Memories locked away and frozen over for decades have been thawed and analyzed. I had to be in this new state of happiness to deal with this and it has been fascinating how much I had deliberately locked away, mostly melancholic or just plain sad from decades in limbo, occasional moments of joy else I suppose I should have been long gone.

There was the constant drip drip sound from the moisture oozing from my pores then suddenly there were extra drips added as I was hit by a wave of emotion which had an untold number of facial muscles aching then the achey feeling spread like a spiders web down the neck shoulders and arms. It was like the final purge of negative energy leaving and the body saying “that was some torture, thank goodness it’s over” I have done with the past. It has been suffered and is gone, time lost, wasted but lessons learned. This last year has been a revelation. I never thought that I should ever feel this degree of comfort within myself, emotions freely expressed, with tears if necessary and mind clear and free of the poisonous testosterone which had so tormented me. The fat redistribution has been a positive side effect which is also enjoyable though I am sure many out there would say that compared to them there are no soft curves at all. This is the end of one leg of the journey, another birthday looms then a few weeks of socialising into the start of next year when I reencounter the Nasty Hamsterwheel of Suffering or NHS as we call the UK health system. Typical nothing which I have been told would happen is happening but I have the mystery appointment which entails over two hundred miles of unpredictable winter travel to the other side of the country rather than the ten I was promised. Not to worry, anything could happen but something is going to change and who knows they may get something right for a change! I have never fitted into boxes but if they want rid of me they have to give me the drugs I want to try. Two years ago I knew one step I needed to take but could not have imagined how I would feel at this moment in time, to not try the next step would leave me for ever wondering so unless health intervenes another goal is now in sight, another leg of the journey commenced.

The Proustian search for lost time is past, now hopefully I enter the new book in the series, Time Regained. This is now about a year since I started to post to the blog. I had a vague idea of what I wanted to write about even though I had hardly written more than a shopping list for over thirty years. Some have commented that they enjoy reading which has given me an unexpected joy. I feel as if this is a moment of weightlessness before the gravity of the new phase starts to tug at me unencumbered with the irritations of the past. Where will I be on the journey at this time next year? I can’t imagine...


  1. I can't imagine either, but I'd love to find out with you. Thanks for sharing with us! Good luck on your appointment. 200 miles, yikes!

  2. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next too. I haven't followed you for the whole year but it looks to me like you've travelled a bit further along the way.

  3. Happy 1st Birthday Caroline. I am toasting you here and looking forward to your naughty 2's !!!

  4. Sweet Caroline! You have such a gift with words. I could feel myself in your sauna, sharing your beautiful emotions with you.

    Do you suppose they make you travel 200 miles, just to make sure you really want to take the next step? The NHS can't possibly be that Byzantine can it? It seems like such a cruel and absurd hoop to make you jump through.

    Happy Birthday & Godspeed!
    Melissa XXOO

  5. I don't mind the trip if that is what I have to do but it is a horrible journey at that time of year.

    What exactly they are up to is also a mystery so at the moment I can hardly get excited.

    Caroline xx


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.