Wednesday, 6 January 2010


The sun came out for a short while and I soaked up a few rays to generate some vitamin D. If I have been quiet for a while It is because I have been feeling a little down, perhaps a little SAD which used to affect me at this time of year and there has hardly been a glimmer of sun for weeks. More than that was negative introspection which I hardly ever do these days but sad to say the happiness of some whose blogs I have followed for a long while are taking the final step as have several in the recent past and no doubt some of them will soon vanish from our part of the net. This has highlighted the realisation that there is almost no chance that I shall ever be able to do what they are doing which has left me in a state of empty stagnation which is hard to shake off.

The sense of isolation many of us felt before the net has long vanished. All of us who grew up thinking that we must be the only ones like us in the world and terrified to mention it to another soul. Now we read daily of the huge numbers of us there are and the equally huge number of ways we find of dealing with it according to our individual circumstances of age, health, wealth and outstanding relationships. Some of these accounts fill us with joy in the knowledge that we are not alone , others rip out the heart when you hear of how your situation can now sometimes be dealt with and someone can live a life almost as if nothing had ever happened. While I have long been resigned to my personal fate and am not an envious or jealous person I will sometimes suddenly fall into a hole of wretchedness like now when those who were on a similar journey are suddenly at the last hurdle and probably about to slip quietly out of your life. When so many have gone in the recent past and another two are on the brink it does highlight your own position with a searchlight for a while. I have just had the best year of my life after half a century of fairly worthless years but at the moment I can’t help feeling gutted and hopeless and lacking in the energy to fight the next round of random bureaucracy in the health service and hold out little hope that they will be able to restore the voice which has been reduced to an embarrassing hoarse croak let along give me the sweets I crave because of my health.

A month from now with appointments attended and the iced roads melted away I may have bounced back to my new old self again. If any posts seem below par for the next while, at least you know why. There are an infinite number of ways we have of dealing with this transness and I realize that those who go for surgery are in reality the lucky small percentage who manage to find the support or finances. It is not even my highest priority since given the choice if I had the choice I am sure I would choose to improve my appearance before changing something which nobody may ever see. This makes me feel even more stupid to be feeling so low. My best wishes go out to those who are making this final step.

There has been a break in the weather and after a workout clearing the slope up to the road the car finally got us to the shops to stock up , now good for another two weeks if need be. Julie was getting stir crazy even though we have been getting visitors who could drive up to the front gate on the flatter road. Nearly twenty years ago I helped a friend dismantle an art installation of a driftwood shack marooned on an ice flow, table salt was used for ice and was going to be junked at the end of the show when it was no longer white. I hardly need to tell my regular readers that I rescued about three hundred pounds of salt for keeping my pathways clear of ice. I went to get some of this endless supply only to find that it is now down to the last couple of plastic milk containers which it has been stored in ready for sprinkling. There is no salt of any kind available for sale. After over two weeks the road in front of the house which leads to the local health centre has finally had a few grains of salty grit spread, just not enough to do anything.

While we were out we visited broken arm girl to stock her up on supplies and deliver her christmas presents and another friend who seems to have been left alone for a couple of days while wife and daughter go on a fun trip! They both live on the cleared main roads otherwise we would not have risked it.

Hope all misery passes before next post.




  1. We have had no lack of sunshine, but it's just been too cold to go outside for more than trip to the car to go somewhere else that's warm. I noticed a windshield wiper blade beginning to rip last week, so on the way home from my mother's I stopped by an auto part store to buy a new set. The next day I went out to put them on, but it took a little time to get the old one off, and then figure out how the newer one fit on the wiper arm. I struggled with it for a few minutes, and my fingers got so cold, I had to put the old one back on and come back inside. I still haven't replaced the old ones, because the temperature hasn't risen above 36∘F since then.

    Cheer up girlfriend, winter by itself is hard enough to deal with, without working ourselves into depression over things we cannot control.

    Warm hug!
    Melissa XXOO

  2. I hope that when the sunshine starts to come through you'll start to feel better. I've double checked and our days already have nearly 15 mins more daylight!

    Keep warm and safe

  3. I think the daylight helps... My darkest thoughts are always at night....

    I can recall what things were like before the net.... The only way of mixing with others was clubbing or the odd meeting up in the centre of London. And that did not suit many, especially those who did not have the money to go into town.

    So even in the heart of London a lot of trans-folk felt (and in fact WERE) isolated. :-(


  4. Hi Caroline,
    Sorry you are not feeling to good.
    I can understand exactly what you mean in your blog.
    But you have done a lot in the last year and there is much more happiness to come.
    Dont loose hope.

    It would be great to catch up again soon.
    I have been on line the last few nights but I think I can see why you havent been. If you want to chat just let me know.

    Big hug my friend.

  5. I really hope the sun rises high for you soon, and that it fills you with warmth and desire to grasp the life you have infront of you.

    Hugs Jenny x

  6. Caroline, I know well the feeling. When my dysphoria peaks, I find the success of other girls wrenching. I am happy for them as well, but the sadness for me wins the day. I do hope the mood blows over soon.

  7. If it makes you feel any better, Caroline, even my world has been buried in snow, ice, loss of power, etc. It can get you down.

    I, too, have felt many times that I was just born too early. Had the internet been around when I was in my teens, and I could have met others like me at that time, I may have lived out my life as a female.

    I have learned to accept the cards I was given. I have been rewarded with a wonderful wife and fun job, yet there still are those times when all of that is simply not enough....but I live with it.

    I never say never, however, and you shouldn't either.

    Calie xxx

  8. So much for sunny california! We can all be cold together.

    Caroline xx


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.