Friday, 9 March 2012

Five weeks on...

Five weeks ago at this time I was unconscious thankfully and being rearranged in to a more acceptable form. 
Before the operation I was in a state of complete and utter calm. In the weeks prior to then I had experienced brief bouts of emotion when thinking that I was so close to my goal whilst conscious that chickens should not be counted early… On arrival at the hospital I had expected something of a great emotional out pouring on actually being on the brink of my final step. I almost wanted that affirmation in tears to mark the end of a life long struggle but what I got instead was the utter calmness of knowing that I had arrived and it was the right thing to be doing.
I had signed up for the equivalent of a small car crash and was prepared to put up with any pain and discomfort which came with it. There was pain but nowhere near where I thought it would be! Guts groaned night and day for three days whilst trying to reactivate with a great squeeze every few minutes, it was a distraction from the back pain tall patients get from lying flat… At the operation site little feeling until the numbness set in. A week later, the evening before my departure I lay for nearly an hour staring in wonder at the bruised and swollen miracle between my legs.
By the time I had reached home I was more swollen and it was only a few days before I had to call upon the local nursing services to deal with a small area of skin graft which the surgeon had said had a small chance of failure. The nurses have been marvelous, one is due son to check on progress before the weekend, not really worth being ill at weekends in the UK now… The wound is about a week off having healed over, some swelling still to subside and suture lines to fully heal over, otherwise I am now nearly back on track to recovery.
Ruth has just declared a great result with the healing, just another week or so with the gell dressings to help it along. She was mightily impressed with my five sheet long graph of pee output since the catheter came out and an infection cleared up. Could be a star patient and they will not be back until the middle of next week. Almost starting to feel free.
Many have voiced views that this is something which practically nobody will see and perhaps not so important. I certainly have always thought help with facial problems should be a higher priority but the only help I have ever heard of anyone getting by our health service was after having their nose broken by thugs! 
I am still trying to formulate exactly how different I feel after the operation. Many vanish from the blog world soon after their operation and I am starting to see why they would do that, I am staying on to show that life does go on. 
It is like the calm after the storm, for the first time ever I really feel like my true and complete self, something nearly everyone else on the planet has taken for granted and never even had to think about for their whole lives. Hopefully words will eventually come to let me describe properly this new feeling but that will have to do for now.
I have taken a few photographs these past few weeks but I shall spare you that! I still have nearly two months for everything  to heal up properly, swelling to subside and scars start to fade. I am in no rush, I feel better every day and get to do more and more so should soon leave invalid mode far behind.



  1. I love your opening sentence Caroline. Lovely to see you are progressing well. Have the phantom penile feelings dissappeared yet, assuming you had them? I had those feelings for a week or so post-op then all I felt was what I have now. Isn't it funny that our fears and anxieties simply aren't there when we reach that final step. In the preceding months I was filled with excitement and then, like yourself, became so calm and relaxed through the great event! I wasn't blogging in those days so that wasn't an issue but I think there should be no reason for you to stop just because you are now post. Like you say life goes on and there will be plenty to write about I'm sure. Nice to read what you have written thus far anyhow.

    Shirley Anne xxx

  2. "...for the first time ever I really feel like my true and complete self..."

    Interesting, isn't it? A pity it took so long.

  3. Reminds me of George"s song which has always sung to me...

    Isn't it a pity
    Now, isn't it a shame
    How we break each other's hearts
    And cause each other pain
    How we take each other's love
    Without thinking anymore
    Forgetting to give back
    Isn't it a pity

    Some things take so long
    But how do I explain
    When not too many people
    Can see we're all the same
    And because of all their tears
    Their eyes can't hope to see
    The beauty that surrounds them
    Isn't it a pit

  4. It's great to read that all is going as it should be. I hope that you will continue to blog. i've enjoyed reading about your journey and your day to day life.

  5. I am glad that you are making good progress- just as well with Spring around the corner !


  6. It calms the voices in your head doesn't it. Borrowing a quote that I think came from the Bible, it brings a peace beyond all understanding.



Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.