Sunday, 3 February 2013

A post I never imagined I would be writing...

Well when I started this blog over four years ago I never imagined that one day I would be writing a one year post op post…

Forty years on from realising that I was not the only one with my problem and that a few hours surgery could repair me to be able to live a life congruent to my overwhelming self image I woke reborn in a hospital bed in Brighton looking out on a beautiful frozen landscape.

Last supper with Lucy one year ago.

I had imagined that once I had safely arrived and been admitted that I would have had some emotional outburst of relief but instead I felt nothing but absolute calm finally being within reach of what had been denighed me for so long.

Tapping in the second paragraph did bring it on though in a chest crushing flood of tears at my subconscious realisation of a whole adult life lost to medical and societal hypocrisy. 

I have had a wonderful year even considering the obligatory months required to recover from surgery. So good in fact that I considered such thoughts of regret to be a thing of the past. The real regret is that I am not alone. There are uncountable numbers of us twisted and pained playing out lives as  prisoners inside a hated shell. Only when released do you realise just how bad it was. To live a damaged life has a ripple effect upon those around you, unable to ever contribute fully to family, work or society as so much energy is wasted with angst and self loathing and despair... 

I recently answered a questionnaire about my life, easy enough until I reached the last section asking what message you would give your younger self. I held back from answering because my honest answer would have to be “You have forty years of misery ahead of you with no real place in society or means of employment so don’t resist those urges to end it all”.

Thankfully for many of us, but far from all of us, a few steps have finally been taken towards helping us overcome one of nature’s cruel jokes. There is still a long way to go before logic will win out against bigoted prejudice in our treatment but if you step forward these days there is a good chance that you will get through to the chance of a contented life on this other side like me.

Not the joyful celebratory post which I imagined it would be. Transition has brought a better life than I ever imagined possible. To wake each day and just be your true self is a joy impossible for the billions who have lived their lives without doubt about who and what they are could possibly comprehend.

Yesterday was a girls night in with a few friends round to eat and today friends are treating us to a Sunday lunch. These past few years change hardly ever impinge on everyday life as the new me has seamlessly integrated into everyone’s lives as just another older woman...



  1. I hope it gets even better for you as the years flow on. It has for me.

    Shirley Anne x

  2. Lovely post, Caroline. And congratulations on your anniversary!!!

    == Cass

  3. That was a great meal we had.

    I've found that examining the past can be highly interesting and illuminate many things. But it's what you do with the future that matters. And it may last much longer than you think!


  4. My eldest son recently told me of one of his friends who is now living as her true self.

    You and many others through blogging offer so much information and support. Hopefully no one will ever have to live a hidden life for so long again.

    Happy Anniversary

  5. More of a life found these days rather than time regained perhaps.

    A year has truly flown by !


  6. Are you reading my thoughts Lucy? I have an up and coming post about the future

    Shirley Anne x

  7. Fantastic, girl... :-)

  8. A beautiful post, Caroline, and you know I'm so happy for you.

    This comment did hit home, however:

    There are uncountable numbers of us twisted and pained playing out lives as prisoners inside a hated shell.

    Calie xxx

  9. At last I have written a post which touches people...

    Anji, we do write these blogs as much to help others by example as much as anything, so glad if they help.


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.