Monday, 29 April 2013

Bravery award...

We sometimes find ourselves being told that we are brave to face the world and go through transition, to fix as best we can the fault we were born with. It is a long time since I have heard it, now it is very rare that I ever have any kind of conversation about it other than amongst ourselves.

Somebody wrote about it recently and finally it dawned  on me that this is always taken back to front! If you had a broken arm or a curable cancer would anyone praise you for dealing with it,and Would family members or friends dare suggest that you just hang in there and not disturb their peace of mind with your silly problem?

The ones who are brave are those who choose to make the sacrifice of their own lives and wellbeing because they do not wish to make waves for those around them. They live a life of torments and despair others cannot even start to imagine so that others do not have to be embarrassed or have their lives disturbed. They are prisoners within the prison of their own skin even though they know that the doors remain unlocked and joy is but a heartbeat away. That takes bravery...

I lived like that for half a century though lived is hardly the right word… The accumulated suffering can hardly be calculated, immense in comparison to that suffered during the short time transition takes. If I had though for a moment that having no real will to live would not actually shorten my suffering I don’t think that I could have done it. 

Changing in an earlier time no doubt would have been much harder than now that we have services lined up to help, that can only make the bravery of personal sacrifice even more poignant...



  1. When people have said to me that they thought I was brave I denied it being the truth just as you say Caroline but sometimes I would think any bravery on my part came from having to face a society hostile to my coming out. It is this fear that prevents many from pursuing transition and it is the same fear which has driven many to take their own lives. So yes, I was brave to face such hostility but it isn't bravery which took me through transition itself, it was necessity.

    Shirley Anne x

  2. Doesn't feel like bravery here. Feel like King Canute.

  3. When you come out the other side of transitioning you just think "what was all the fuss about". No bravery, just huge ammounts of determination.

  4. Becca, I was thinking of putting you forward for the "transitional medal of Honour" for bravery above and beyond the call of duty...

    Canute failed to hold back the waves but he is said to have tried just to show that he was no god, just another mortal...

  5. Brave? What would you think of someone who has a broken arm (maybe they didn't know it was broken for a long time, but finally found out the truth) and instead of getting it set and moving on, they chose to go continue going around with a useless arm? Sorry, but as much as I appreciate the thought Coline, I don't really feel particularly brave.

    In particular, more and more, I wonder on my death bed what judgement I will put upon myself for insisting on burying my true nature as much as I do for public consumption.

  6. Halle, one of the key turning points was exactly that thought!

    That broken arm must hurt like the devil and not work properly cause a lot of heartache and inconvenience...

    In the end the thought of a heat stopping confession during a funeral service to explain just why... did not seem like enough. i was shocked to find myself decades older than I ever thought I would ever be and exhausted with the constant noise in my head telling me I was being stupid to never be my true self.

    My bravery finally failed me and I gave in to this easier life...

  7. You say your bravery failed you; I still think your courage did not!

    Thank you for brightening my world!


  8. A wonderful post, Caroline, and well said. It's an emotional subject for me. I've seen the pain that my friends have gone through....psychological and physical....who have transitioned.

    It takes a special person to go through the pain of transitioning. And, as you say, it also takes conviction on the part of those who sacrifice their own lives so as not to ruin others.

    We all have different journeys, and I respect them all.

    Calie xxx


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

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