Saturday, 21 September 2013

Two years on...

Not my favourite day of the year. On this day two years ago I lost a very dear friend who had been an online soul mate since the moment we first made contact, I was later to discover that her end, though listed as natural causes was only due to the fact that she decided to take the quick way out of this crazy life by neglecting to seek treatment for a very obvious problem… I could quite understand since I had spent a lifetime with thoughts and plans for an emergency end to it all should life become too much. 

I am still drawn back to read occasional blogs, it has been such a large part of life over the last few years. Yesterday I clicked on a link leading to a tale of misery and loss as someone recounted their loss of a sister in transition who had been vivacious and looked amazing but found the fight against the world too much. A far too common posting!

I have to resist the urge to come back and open old wounds, I have moved on so much further than I could ever have imagined, Melissa would have been so thrilled. I thought that I was going to be about for ever as an online example of transition working and will continue posting but do not be surprised if my commenting fades away, I am getting burned out.

Here are my toes again! Real life is finally fixing things which have driven me crazy all my life and twisted toenails have been painful and cost a fortune in worn out socks… This time the local GPs have sent me to the local hospital for more expert treatment though I am sure that was not supposed to include an infection requiring antibiotics. Well, at least they are also clearing a sinus infection as a bonus. Not doing much whilst they heal up...



  1. I have gained two of my closest friends though meeting online, so I empathise a lot with your feelings of loss today. My heart goes out to you. Moreover, I'm sure many of us know those dark feelings when it seems preferable to take an easy way out.

    I hope that two beautiful big toes emerge from the bandages. I had an ingrowing toenail in my 20's and after two recurrences the simplest thing seemed to be to remove the nail for good. Fine for blokes, I guess, but now I really miss it. Painting bare skin with nail varnish is far from satisfactory!

  2. It is very sad when anyone feels they need to resort to ending it all. I am sorry that you lost a friend that way Caroline. Even when there is help some people still go down that road because they don't see a solution to their problem or are tired of trying. If you ever had thoughts like that Caroline you didn't go through with it for a good reason, life was worth living despite the problems you faced.

    Shirley Anne x

  3. I can't believe its been two years. So much has happened in that time.

  4. I didn't think that was what she has done. I still look at her blog and her comments on mine from time to time. Such a lovely woman.

    As for the rest of your post - it should come with a health warning. I mostly love your pictures but ..........

  5. There are good practical reasons one might plan an escape route that would seem to be "natural causes".I could give you several scenarios,some still harbored in the back of my mind I'll sadly admit.
    Quietly slipping away is never far from my mind either.

    On the foot problem, glad things are improving, but be careful what radical treatments you seek out, for banishing the root cause can be dangerous for some internal organs, and you now have so much to live for!

    Was just re-reading some of Melissa's blog posts last week, a forum of pilgrimage I suppose, for I loved and miss her too.

  6. I want to think that neglecting the problem gave her years or months of happiness whereas taking care of it might not have done so.

  7. Angela, the net surprised me by how close you could get to someone online and it also surprised me by how many contacts get no closer than say a brief meeting at a bus stop before you go your separate ways… I guess that I had hoped for more dialogue through blogging and it is why in the end I have decided not to write another blog under my new name. Ego not really big enough to drive me forward with that project, I need more reward.

    My toes have both had the caustic treatment to kill the nails for good, a 50% extra dose because they have returned like Terminator several times already. When they are gone life is bliss and shoes can be worn without pain… Perhaps a tattoo on the toes is the way to go.

    Becca, hope the fluffy dog picture in my next post was more to your liking, I have more toe pictures if anyone wishes to see!

    All, Melissa’s demise was sad and I think Ellena could be right and I have pondered the misery of treatments which take up all the time at the end. I found the email I sent asking if all was well since her online activity was not her usual self, I don’t expect that she thought it would take five months to slip away from that point… Still miss her.


Many thanks to all who ever joined in the conversation and to those who took the time to follow my zig zag to a new life..

I can be contacted on the email found on my profile page.