Friday, 11 November 2016

Cobweb corner and the power of small pronouns.

Looks like I shall soon be in Cobweb corner…

Strange that I had never quite got that far down the TC page, always so much to find higher up. Few in that section ring bells with me and in my day I was up most of the night reading hundreds of blog posts. I guess so many blogs get deleted by their writers once their minds are set or their transformations are over and the new life begins.

The smallest things stand out now and they are pronouns. You would assume that the “she” and “her” ones would be at the top of the list but you would be greatly undervaluing the power of “me” and “I”. When you have been using them your whole life, or using them as little as possible in my case, you have been using them in reference to a disguised role you are playing. If you are sensitive each use would have been a stab in the soul. A downright lie overtime you used them…

I am now out of practice writing and even at the height of my blogging probably could not have expressed fully the joy of honestly using “me” and “I” when finally living honestly, openly, and fully accepted.

Only when freed from the shackles of that old life have I finally been able to fully understand exactly who I am and what makes me tick…

Out to lunch today visiting relations, one recounted a recent phone call from a close school friend too distraught to actually speak through her tears. When she finally made a second call she said that her daughter in her early twenties had just declared that she was really a boy. “Oh we have someone in the family who did a change, works fine” or words to that effect was her reply. The friend said that she was “Not worried about the change, just heartbroken that a child has had to suffer for so long”! Not all family fear for their own embarrassment, some actually care about their nearest and dearest. 

Recently someone posted that we are usually the only ones who know how the self timer works on a camera. It made me smile and it is probably true. Until I started contemplating the possibility / impossibility of transforming, what looked to all the world like a sullen bearded terrorist rather than anything resembling a woman, the old “I” had avoided being in any photographs as much as possible, even those being taken by tourists! Any reminders of what that person was and the absurdity of that existence was too much to bear. Old photographs do occasionally turn up but no longer make me physically wince, it is as if they are of a long lost sibling…

For an intense few years self-portraits, as they were once called, filled my photo file, a digital snapshot camera became “best aid to transition”. Now “I” am more than happy to be part of the world but no longer feel the need to record my changes. I thought that I needed to look back a couple of years to find one for this post until I remembered a recent one taken. Our niece had a baby early in the year, even named her after one of us so we had to drive a thousand miles to visit just after easter to check out the new arrival. Times past there was an assumption that “guys” wanted little to do with such creatures and I would be shut out. How strange to finally feel part of the circle of life. She has just been to visit us here at home with three adults to help carry her belongings, she is going to be a fun part of our lives.

Truth be told “I” do have one regret, I believed when I was told that there would be no help available in my lifetime and I hid from the world only to be reborn with a limited number of years left to enjoy and many of those may be wrinkly! Do not take that as anything like a regret at changing, nothing can fully express the pricelessness of finally being your true self and everything that brings with it for you.

Something nasty froze the browser with my blog access six months or so ago, it will be interesting to see what I last wrote when I try to post this. I am really interested to see exactly how long since I had my operation, like so much it has all faded into distant memory buried with cobwebs. Sweep me into that corner now, this chapter of my life is now concluded.

Seems it will soon be five years, how they have flown by! Time really does fly when you are enjoying yourself.

Best wishes to any who have been in contact along the way and best of luck finding peace to those who have yet to reach that point.

Calie, sweep me into that corner now please.