Thursday, 5 October 2017

A momentary lapse of composure...

I am having a go at writing a post. So long since I even opened the email associated with my blog that I have forgotten how to access it! Life has moved on so far since I started the blog that it feels very strange thinking about that time.

I keep a quiet eye on a number of fellow travellers who were on the path with me and for personal reasons have not been able to reach the point of “it just is” as one just posted after her long delayed change.

After a lifetime of “not being” and the constant sense of tension and disquiet that instills it is strange to think that it is possible to wake and just “be” and get on with life as though that had always been the case. I have always found it difficult to explain the feeling of “not being” to those who have lived without our point of reference, it is an alien concept to them to have ever questioned their roles in the world.

I have just returned from a three week family visit where web connection is dire on the best of days so I found myself in an off grid paradise most of the time and joyously lived in the here and now. What made it especially fun was having a very smart 19 month old, the only one of that generation in our family, as almost constant entertainment.

It got me wondering… I knew from a very early age that I could never find a place in the world which included creating a family. before I was three I knew that I was a girl, who was thought to be a boy, who was attracted to girls but not in the way boys are… … … yes, a lot of thoughtful dots. How was I to know that within my lifetime all that would be overturned in the more civilised parts of the world? Someone from the village has recently married her girlfriend and have already produced their first baby! Nobody seems to have been bothered by the production of another loving family…

Ou est C******e? Encore pour C******e was her most regular chant for her great aunt, as if I had not eaten enough already. 19 months and already she is a tall slim girl fast becoming sophisticated. Stopping her getting hold of a knife is one of the hardest jobs for any designated watcher, I am sure that she really just wants to use it properly and probably ambidextrously like she uses her fork and spoon to eat food I never knew existed until I was in my thirties. the last meal was slow to be delivered so she ate a bowl of potato crisps while waiting for her fresh pan fried foie gras, ( I sense any Californian readers feinting in horror ), meatloaf with mixed roasted vegetables and French beans followed which she swilled down with a glass of water, plastic is just not acceptable. After seconds and thirds of the veg she polished off a full sized portion of ice-cream with a fondant of chocolate and cream with fresh cooked fine biscuit before wiping her mouth on the napkin and delicately cleaning her hands!

She showed me what “ just being” I had missed out on time and time again as she revelled in being alive and discovering the world. 19 months and she has already done more living than I did in half a lifetime cowering away, it was if a strong hand had reached inside and squeezed and twisted my heart and guts overtime this thought crossed my mind.

Tears still well up when I think about it. A life wasted as a dry husk while virtually everyone else on the planet is oblivious. Once the cold which has struck me down I hope to put these thoughts behind me and get back to “just being”, and unbelievably great that is too.

My blog was always for others to be encouraged by, yes you too could step over to the other side and get a few years, or a lifetime, of living free.

 Inspired by